I fail- a 500 words post

So, today is the first day of the 500 word challenge that I signed up for on Jeff Goins blog. I go through phases where I want to write, phases where I think I am funny or morose. I have things to tell the world, why won’t they listen?

It is really silly. My life experiences aren’t better or worse than other people, despite the opinion of co-workers.

“You should write a book”
“You are so funny.”
“No one would believe that to be true, but I was there-WRITE A BOOK!”

Here is the thing about writing a book-most of the stuff that makes my stories so compelling, are generally at the expense of others. Not me making fun of them, but THEIR actions and my RE-action. I am not sure, even though Anne Lamott says “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” SO. Conflicted.

I thought maybe I should write an anonymous blog or story or come up with a creative nom de plume. Something. Anything. To get these words, out of my head and on to the paper. Have these words carry the voices of hate and doubt away.

This morning I was listening to The Moth Podcast. Mike DeStefano, is gruff and turns extreme pain and heartache into real and raw stories and can even get a few laughs in the midst of it. It was beautiful. Listening to his story, I felt a knowing, a spark of “Yes”.

I get the same “Yes”-This. When I read books like “Bird by Bird” or Stephen Kings. “On Writing”. I just have not had the discipline. The focus.

And then I get called into a meeting at 11 am with 200 words to go….

I am not sure if I have literary ADD or wearing so many different hats pulls me in directions where I am easily taken away from important personal tasks. A combination of both. Back when NaNoWriMo started, I was ready to go-three years in a row and every time made it until about the 15th, then I was overtaken by holiday creative spirit.

Then there is an internal critical voice.

“You never finish anything.”

My parents told me that once when I no longer wanted to be in the marching band at school. I started playing the clarinet when I was in the 5th grade. When I was in the 10th grade, I wanted to do something different my Junior and Senior year. I had a stronger desire to be a theatre kid instead of a band kid.

Summer school is not conducive to a marching band member. There are scheduling conflicts. My GPA took one for the team.

I went to summer school. This was a double win for me. I was the only girl in my class (boys who fail algebra are cute) and I got out of band!

I was not allowed to quit.

So, I failed.

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