Growing Pains and Anger

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A few weeks ago I was hanging out with some friends.  Good, fun, creative, enjoyable women.  Women to talk about events and feelings and fun and if they mention other people it is in genuine interest for their well being.  I am discovering that is rare.

During the conversation with them I noticed that when I mentioned a recent event in my life I was super catty and spiteful and wowza  SHOCKED.  First of all, I wasn’t aware until that moment of the pure anger inside of me regarding that situation and secondly, horrified that it seeped out so hideously among this group of women.  Not that I wanted to present myself as someone I am not.  But that I was SO unaware of myself.

So unaware of my feelings.

Honestly, when I got home and thought of the THREE specific things I said, I wanted to vomit.
And then my “Life Class” work started kicking in and I heard Brene Brown say, “I will talk to myself the same way I talk to the people I love.”
I stopped.
Dead in my tracks and started working through where those feelings came from.
(as well as telling myself that it really wasn’t as bad as I think it was)

A few good things (awarenesses) resulted:

  1. I don’t like who I am when I am catty toward other people.
    Granted, I am DAMNED funny when I am angry and catty and bitchy and my husband and son say I should do stand up-but, I can NOT be that way about other people.
    Something I am working on- gotta find new hysterical topics of stand up ;)
  2. I LOVE that my friends do not gossip.
    I don’t like to gossip either, but I KNOW when I am tired or feeling particularly down or shameful about something…
    watch the hell out sister because it is coming and it is bad-and when I am in THAT place, the down, shame filled yuck hole…I go completely rabid dog nuts and then  come out of the fog and wonder what the heck!?!?
  3. I have some definite trigger people.  People in a perfect world I would cut from my life like cancer.  But, I don’t live in a perfect world.
    My choice is to arm myself with tools to prevent me from falling into their traps.
    Playing their games.
    (and YES, I am talking about grown women.  Breaks my heart.  Grown. Women.)
  4. I need to be more aware of the signs that I am about to “go rabid dog” and STOP.
    Take care of myself and STOP.
  5. I need to forgive other people.
    I need to forgive myself.

So, There it is.

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